The 250 Square Foot View

By Danny Calise, Guest Blogger

Is Trevor Moran gonna make it? The cute and cuddly 13-year-old who spends his free time making “Call Me Maybe” dance videos for YouTube has just passed out! From what, you say? From being pale and resting his head on his mom’s lap too long! But does he have the X Factor? Find out on this weeks episode!

As it turned out, the cure for Trevor’s condition (being “overly excited”) was some water and Gatorade©. Finally, after some prompting, Trevor was able to open his eyes (Thank God©!) and the Morans contemplated whether or not he should perform, as a Pepsi machine sat in the background like a supportive older brother. Trevor decided to perform, and boy did he ever! The little cherub was reminiscent of a 13-year-old Elton John, sashaying and wiggling while performing pop standard “Sexy And I Know It.” He sold the spoken word/singing so well that the audience didn’t flinch when he brazenly fibbed “I work out.” Does Trevor have a passion for music? Who cares! He has a passion in his…Oh, right. That’s not “age-appropriate.” The judges’ feedback for Trevor: Demi Lovato – “I was dying, you were too cute.”  Britney Spears – “I like you a lot, you were adorable.” Simon Cowell “I think you’re gonna be remembered for that performance.” LA Reid – “You rocked the house.”

Do the judges ever express any feedback that the audience couldn’t have come up with themselves? Now why would the audience want to learn anything about music on the #1 show on television, when they can learn about who Demi Lovato is currently dating (you’ll have to forgive me, I forgot who), AND pick up a few mean-spirited insults to hurl at foreigners with mental deficiencies, or the actors that play them on TV (“If they ever re-make the film, [Titanic], you could replace the iceberg…It wasn’t a compliment.” – Simon Cowell). The judges’ comments are so heavily edited that it is impossible to learn any musical jargon other than “stage presence” (a favorite of Ms. Lovato’s), “too cute,” and “really good” (a favorite of all of the judges). So what exactly is the point of X Factor?

Perhaps the most bizarre moment on X Factor this week was the rise and fall (and rise) of Tara Simon. We first met her when she was enviously gossiping with another contestant that Gene Simmons’ daughter was also auditioning. As a die hard Factor-head, my brain has been taught that if a contestant is talking smack backstage (it’s strangely convenient that they are always mic’d), he/she is going to be supremely confident and utterly talentless in his/her performance. Going into a commercial break, during the “Coming Up Next” segment, Tara was seen doing pushups backstage (and being mocked for it by an elementary schooler), telling the judges she wanted to be in one of their chairs (how dare she!), and screaming like a raving lunatic. Oh baby!  My hands were sliding up and down on each other like I was about to bite into a juicy steak. These judges are going to rip this girl an entirely new one!

Back from the commercial break, Tara is still doing push-ups, this time with a reasonable explanation for it that the elementary schooler doesn’t understand, prompting the audience at home to think, “I don’t understand what she’s talking about and neither does the little girl. This woman must be nuts!” After a couple of pointed questions from the judges and a cowardly shot at Christina Aguilera from LA Reid, Simon tells her to “Shut up” and Tara is ready to sing. She starts off singing some low notes and pronounces the word “you” strangely, causing some baffled looks from the 14-year-old girls in the audience. A clear sign of a loser. But a few lines later she’s still going, with no “boos,” and as her notes rise higher, so does her approval rating from the audience, the judges, and the viewers at home. Her song finishes with a triumphant applause, tears of joy flowing from her eyes, the judges smitten, and a full 180-degree turn completed. It was like watching Hulk Hogan joining the NWO. Who saw it coming? Not I.

Tara was used and abused in one segment for her ability to fit the mold of what X Factor deems its “crazy” contestants, but then changed teams and joined the “really good” singers in the next segment. I confused. Perhaps there are no hard and fast rules of X Factor. But here are some anyway:

Rule #1 of X Factor – Every “maybe” is a “yes.”
Rule #2 of X Factor – If someone has a weird voice, they should not be treated as a reasonable human being.
Rule #3 of X Factor – When LA Reid nods while watching a white hip hop/soul/r&b artist, the whole black community has accepted him/her.
Rule #4 of X Factor – All good singers are 9’s or better looks-wise (Sole exception: 500 pound minister, frontrunner for winner of the whole competition!).
Rule #5 of X Factor – Each week, Britney must show at least as much cleavage as Christina Aguilera does on The Voice.
Rule #6 of X Factor – Demi Lovato has nothing interesting to say.
Rule #7 of X Factor – This rule sponsored by Pepsi.

So what are we supposed to do?  Not watch the #1 show on television? Unreasonable. My suggestion: complement your viewing of X Factor with its much better rival, The Voice.

The Voice is a show that focuses on quality contestants, their stories, and of course, their voices. The judges work to help those singers in need of advice, not invite terrible singers to the stage to be ridiculed. The Voice specializes in “last chances,” and stories of struggle. At the end of the story segments, we hear the contestants sing for the judges, and we at home are able to judge for ourselves. Cee Lo Green often pushes his button for artists that no other judge is interested in. There are differing opinions. X Factor sets its viewers up for a binary response, yes or no, while The Voice allows for some breathing room when judging a singer. “What can I do better?” one contestant on The Voice asked after no chairs had turned around, while a rejected contestant from X Factor is seen lying on the floor sobbing, begging for a yes from the judges.

The purpose of The Voice, as I understood it from Season 1, was to have contestants judged based solely on their voices, as opposed to whether or not they had an intangible “something,” so vague that the only way to know whether or not someone has it is to find out from the judges. Despite being just a ploy to separate itself and take market share from other leading shows like it, it actually IS doing what it promised in that it’s evaluating a person by their voice (and their back story, which is an extension of their voice) rather than their looks.  What does it take to be an American Idol? Ask Randy Jackson. What does it take to be The Voice? A great voice.

So what does the viewer learn from The Voice? We learn that the judges care about which contestants they have on their team. We learn that the music business is fluid and that artists can come back from nearly anything. Artists can transcend genre and impress a judge from any corner of the music world.

What does the viewer learn from X Factor? That it’s cool to wear clown makeup and laugh at people who are different from you. And that it pays MILLIONS.